Bud Wiser

As I was in need of a new bag for traveling (I didn't have any budget at the moment to buy my dream North Face bag), I thought of finally freeing up of junk my blue JanSport Big Student backpack. It was a padala (consignment) of my Auntie from the U.S. (so it is an original!). If I'm not mistaken, I had it since second or third year college -- that's almost 10 years of just using it as a storage bag! True to its brand, the bag's still functional and strong despite stuffing it with big photo albums, old toys, random school stuff and a can of Budweiser. Yes, I kept a can of Budweiser. And the can was years older than the bag itself.

Old Budweiser

Days of a (Former) Drunkard

A colleague once advised that I "open up to more people." I actually thought I am doing so by owning this personal blog. Nevertheless, it got me thinking that majority of my most memorable experiences -- some I thought were regretful -- were kept hidden even from my closest friends. If they get to read this story arc, I believe they would be surprised. First and foremost, they never knew that I once considered myself a drunkard.

Disclaimer again: No, I have no intentions of boring the whole world by sharing much about my life. But like most of us, snippets of our old life do end up as amusing stories to be blurted out -- or so I thought.

And since this is my blog and I have the whole right to write anything under the sun, let me be proud of myself by putting "former" in what could have been my outlook over life and love:

Bud Wiser

Vod Can

Sans Miguel

The Value of Breaking One's Own Heart

Episode 10 of ABC's Once Upon A Time tells the story of Snow White desperately finding a cure to forget her love for his prince. She ended up making a deal with Rumpelstiltskin. And despite the dwarfs' effort to stop her from drinking the potion, she ended up doing it anyway. It was too late for her to know that her prince backed out of the wedding and that he came looking for her.

Snow White holding the potion that would let her forget her prince

In a Towering Awe: Up the Capones Island Lighthouse

I was informed that we were going on an island-hopping the next morning, but I didn't know it was only really "island"-hopping (yes, singular). It was only at Capones Island. But despite that, I was never disappointed. In fact, I was glad we spent the whole morning admiring the whole island.

I Surrender

Mark 8:35 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it.

Many times I've tried shutting down my senses whenever I heed the call. I am just not used to being commanded or controlled. I had things done my own way. I had most of my problems all sorted out by myself. I've managed life alone, or so I thought. 

I was dismissing the very reason for my success and I only acknowledge the presence whenever it's against. I find it iffy to follow if I think it doesn't makes sense.

Lose Yourself

He gripped hard on his pillow as if holding on from being dragged. His eyes were closed yet it seemed like his vision's as clear as the noon's time. He's fully covered yet he felt he's been stripped off naked. On that night the darkness was blatantly exposing his fear, and he has welcomed it.

He validates his mind was being played. He's never been questioned of his identity more than now. Flashbacks were defining him. Details of his defiance and escapades were as real as the coldness of his room.  It was a bold attempt. If he lose now, he's going to lose forever.

But he was delirious to know it's happening. Finally, he let go of his grip and allowed the thought to expose the truth. He opened his eyes and allowed himself to cry. He took off the sheets and allowed the air to amend the numbness of his heart. It was the greatest fear he has ever felt. On that night he was convinced that he's loved.

I Read from this Side of the Story

¹⁰When they saw the star, they were overjoyed. ¹¹On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold and of incense and of myrrh. (Matthew 2:10-11)

Much like the magi, I am continuously amazed by the reason of the celebration. One thing I've learned this season is the fact that I won't be able to truly share the gift of love until I learn to recognize His grace, be overwhelmed by His love and be yearnful to constantly allow Him to fill my heart.

Merry Christmas, everyone!!!

I Race for My Life

Photo courtesy of Real Life Foundation

I arrived barely 10 minutes before the run. A lot more people were already at the starting point and, most probably, have done enough stretching, unlike me. Do I have to worry? Not a bit, I thought. This run, after all, is not outdo them, but to set a benchmark for myself.

I heard the queue and, with the rush of adrenaline, I wanna run ahead and create a good start. But good thing, though, I have been reminded not to exhaust myself too early in the game as this can tire me throughout the run. 

Where is home?

I have been busy looking, thus it has almost been two months since I last blogged. I thought I did enough to finally get a home, but this season has instead tested that very lifelong desire of mine. Am I making the right decisions? Am I taking the right direction? Indeed I questioned -- and not just the fact that I'm still as transient as before, but I questioned the very essence of why I had dreamed of having a home. 

So much has been revealed since that victorious day, but I have to admit the heart is still in the process of mending, and that I am still constantly asking. I am asking to the point that I again started questioning and, worse, rant about all that's happening. 

How to Awaken a Dead Man

For some reason he found it funny to flick on his cousin's ears. He was giggling as he stared at his target's irritated face. "He's sleeping so he couldn't fight back. It's a chance to bully," he thought. He was enjoying the moment when, all of a sudden, his cousin's mother saw what he was doing and she eventually stormed out on him. It was family siesta time so the rest of his relatives were made known of the act and everyone came to a conclusion that he became very cruel at that time.

As it was the norm when a kid would made a mistake, they shouted at him and, as he was trying to defend himself, they voted to throw him out of the house as a punishment.

"This is injustice." he thought, so he screamed "Di na kayo naawa sa bata! (You did not even show any pity to a kid like me!). All the while he thought that would convince them to allow him a re-entrance, but lo and behold, to make matters worse, he heard and saw their neighbors laughing at him because of too much drama.

It was as if the camera zoomed in on his face, marking a big blow that has since robbed his whole self. He felt Rejection. And that was what deeply wounded his heart.

That was how I became brokenhearted, and that was John Eldredge's target -- aimed to provide healing and restoration -- on his book Waking the Dead: The Glory of a Heart Fully Alive. 

The Heart

A boy sights a young man chilling while slowly sipping his hot coffee. He was probably influenced by the cold December air, coupled with the frizzing effect of the food chain’s air conditioning.  Whether or not the nippy air has something to do with, he was surely the coolest the boy has ever seen. The boy thought he was probably in his mid-twenties, at the right age to be independent and has the all the right to look hippy in his blue regular-fitted shirt, black jacket and faded jeans. The boy was thinking his girlfriend must have adored his height and posture. And he must be there waiting for her. “Cool,” the boy wandered if he will be the same 15 years from that moment.

The young man was clearly who the boy envisioned he wanted to be when he grew up – a sight of independence and courage, virtually alone in the middle of a busy crowd.

The Home

It's about time to live in my own.

I've had 6 different residences, thus I would always find it hard to decide what to put as my mailing address when I fill out an application form. Good thing that's the only concern I have now. Imagine a young kid forced to adjust to different rules, different cultures, different families.

Since then, I've longed to call an actual place my home. 

The Characters

This blog was created because no one was always readily available for a talk. For someone who's not used to sharing life's miseries, that moment was comparable to a James Van Der Beek meltdown in Dawson's Creek.  And just like when Dawson finally decided to accept his fate, I embraced the drama and looked high above the situation I was on. I finally realized I was the one curtailing myself from the world.

The Job

I thought I always knew what I wanted to achieve. After college I planned that I'd be a manager at the age of 25 and I was able to do it. But that was my plan, not His.

Five years may be uncomparable to anyone who could have stayed longer in their respective companies, but the fact that even for a freshman like me (way back in 2005) opportunities of growth were well within reach, it was certainly enough to engross myself to the job.

Yes, call me workaholic but I believe I was more than that when it comes to my career. I actually thought I made a god out of it. While I would always declare that I received all these blessings after I became a Christian, I know that, all this time, I was trying to achieve success to yearn for other people's approval. The motive was wrong. I should be asking for His approval instead.

The Look

This was supposed to be a vanity post, but I couldn't bear seeing too much of myself.

If I am changing my haircut, it's mostly because I wanted to scream changes in my life. But since this time I could only do a semi-military cut, I thought I'll wear the change instead.

New glasses

Entering A New Season

I suddenly found myself taking a different route. All that has happened (and is happening, as of this writing) seemed to have conspired to totally open an all-new season in my life. While some are planned, most events transpired without even the slightest hint -- in fact all are too drastic that I can't even keep up and I just had to let it slide.

The moments are too unprecedented and I just realized I am in a story arc that's bound to end yet another chapter. It's season finale indeed. But as much as I hate to create a big deal out of these moments, I know they had to matter. After all, the outcome may either build or destroy my character.

While I don't intend to shed my whole life to the world, these series of posts are meant to record the emotion and thoughts that I know I can sentimentally value, gushing on that crazy, zealous idea that I can surreptitiously inspire others.

Hit the episodes below:

Victorious Weekend

When's the last time you felt more than overwhelmed? It's the moment you know your emotions are beyond words, and in all of that you care very little about exaggeration.

Conquered Mission

I was never really good at teaching kids. And yet I have been a part of our church's Children Ministry for more than a year now. I guess that's the irony of life. It's a fulfillment for a bullied kid like me to finally feel being appreciated by kids.

That's why I felt so challenged when we held last April 18 to 20 our 2011 Children's Camp, a first for the whole JIL Area 25. I just can't take away the fear of failing to deliver as I still consider myself a newbie Christian.

But who would say no for an opportunity to share the Word and at the same time touch base again to the kid in you? It was an exciting event. Too exciting that I felt restless till it was over.

The truth is, because of my notion that it's very sensitive to teach kids -- more so teaching them the Word -- I would usually find myself undeserving to pitch. It takes more than the usual preparation; it's not as easy as conducting product training. It takes more than the talent or the experience; you have to have the heart to be effective. After all, it's not just a job; it's a responsibility. 

A Tithe Testament

¹⁴ This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. ¹⁵ And if we know that He hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of Him. 1 John 5:14-15 (New International Version, ©2011)

I have been reassured, and it is not a false promise. Last week's emergency would have left me ranting until now if I have not put my faith in Him.

Five years ago I had a different notion about tithing. I considered it as a church's "cover-up" just to get money. Yes, that's how evil I was, but I was proven wrong, very wrong.

Going back to God was my greatest turning point. I had my greatest realization; I was incredibly changed.

03.31.2011, within that day -- actually approximately within 8 hours -- we had to urgently raise a big amount of money (apologies but I am not giving details to maintain some privacy). After getting that emergancy call, I had to struggle over all sorts of thoughts and emotions, to the point of thinking halo-halo would help. There were sadness, anger, blaming, questioning and even a feeling of excitement to a new life challenge -- it was crazy. While at that moment I became a worrier, for some reason, there was calmness overall. If I were the same person, I would have felt hopeless.