The Heart

A boy sights a young man chilling while slowly sipping his hot coffee. He was probably influenced by the cold December air, coupled with the frizzing effect of the food chain’s air conditioning.  Whether or not the nippy air has something to do with, he was surely the coolest the boy has ever seen. The boy thought he was probably in his mid-twenties, at the right age to be independent and has the all the right to look hippy in his blue regular-fitted shirt, black jacket and faded jeans. The boy was thinking his girlfriend must have adored his height and posture. And he must be there waiting for her. “Cool,” the boy wandered if he will be the same 15 years from that moment.

The young man was clearly who the boy envisioned he wanted to be when he grew up – a sight of independence and courage, virtually alone in the middle of a busy crowd.

I started writing the story when I was in college but I failed to ever go back and complete it...even up until now. The seven-sentence paragraph even underwent numerous edits, and I guess that's the best I could come up to convey the emotion. And then came these series of posts that I was so overwhelmed to write. The story might not be finished -- maybe it was never meant to be -- because I've already touch based on the reason why I've kept the memory ever since.

John Eldredge's Wild At Heart -- a book that my friend Orli lent me -- finally gave me the answer. The boy was looking for an image to copy. Wanted to know what happened after? He was never given a chance to have one and that made waiting and actually falling in love a moment he had laid out in vain.

This torpe knew how much it is to love, but because he doesn't have any to give --  as he's constantly asking for it -- he knew he has no right to build a relationship. 

The Bunkie

I've hurt a girl before. That's why I was never proud of that relationship. It's not because she's not worth it; it's because I was not worth it. I used her to validate my heart and it's wrong. John Eldredge shared in his book his favorite painting, "The Bunkie." He wanted to be the same as what the image portrayed, but he knew it's not possible because -- just like me -- "you cannot be a man who rescues, until you are the man without a horse, the man who needs rescuing."

Becoming a Christian was such a milestone, and embracing the faith even  more was so inspiring  that I needed to share the whole experience in my blog. Posing an image of change was the easiest. Who would not want to see a new person on the mirror after the hurting?

However, no matter how many times a person might change, if the change's not sincere, there's a big chance that hurting would come in a different form. And that was true when I married myself to my job. Eldredge says, "The world offers a false sense of power and a false sense of security." It bombed me when I came to my senses that the world is not enough to make my heart happy. By even the slightest instance like losing by Blackberry, I came to realize that I needed to release all worldly things I used to depend on.

And so I look for people who can help. Though I can ask for advice, it pains me to know that I can't pour out exactly how my heart is pounding. The story ended in what I have drawn myself into – “virtually alone in the middle of a busy crowd.” I made it even more possible with a home I created for myself.  Yes, it was good of an investment but I know the motivation was the longing I’ve hidden all this time.

I guess it's all happening now because I have made a covenant to change. That moment proved that everything that has happened was not enough to make my heart satisfied. I've covered myself with it. I've given up everything on the cross. It's a struggle and I sometimes lose but it's a war and war doesn't end just like that. 

In college I remember buying a lot of books about fatherhood because it was the subject of  one of my thesis papers.  The fruits of my actions show it all. It was the losing of an image after all. But why didn't I become satisfied when He showed it to me? It's clear on 1 Kings 8:39 (King Solomon's prayer):

Then hear from heaven, your dwelling place. Forgive and act; deal with everyone according to all they do, since You know their hearts (for You alone know every human heart).

I needed to release forgiveness and look to Him for initiation instead. It's a long process; nevertheless, for the very first time, I don't feel less of a man.

Previous: The Home 

See the rest of the episodes:
The Look
The Job
The Characters